I’ll tell you something that is somewhat private about me. Sometimes when I am at the grocery store, mall, or any other public area and I pass a guy, one of the first things that comes to my mind is, “I wonder if he thinks I’m attractive?” Or, “I wonder if he would be interested in a girl like me?” This happens when I am mostly, paying attention to my surroundings. I have to be honest, I ABSOLUTLEY HATE THAT ABOUT MY PERSONALITY. I loathe and resent the fact that apart of me craves attention from some men. Who am I to think that I am that “fine” that any man that takes one look at me should automatically stop what they are doing and approach me? Now, some of you are thinking, “Nicole, there is nothing wrong with being confident and thinking you can have any man that you want”. Right? Wrong! In fact, it has nothing to do with the guy. Even if I am not attracted to that person, I still feel that I should have their attention.
Here is the root cause of the desire to be idolized. When I was in junior high school, I was the tall, skinny, big booby girl that was not granted the luxury to have tags such as Tommy Hilfiger, Reebok Classics, Jordan’s, Sean John apparel, FUBU, or any type of clothing that made you “cool”. My clothes came from Wal-Mart, a second hand store, or hand-me-downs. I did not get my hair done often and the sides of my hair was thin so I would often get called names that eluded to my thin sides (kids are cruel). I wasn’t one of the girls who had all the labels, the fancy hair do’s, or name brand shoes. I had what I had. I remember envying those girls. They were the ones that sat at the “cool table” in the lunch room and had all the varsity athletes at their locker after class and school. They always seemed so happy and, most importantly, acknowledged, recognized, and admired. Things that I never was at that age to others and I was so thirsty for that inclusion. Now, before you go and start feeling sorry for me, don’t. I still had friends, pretty descent memories of my junior high days; I even had a couple of boyfriends. But the boyfriends I had were not athletes, or looked at as being cool in my class. Heck, they were considered “lame” themselves. I wanted the boys that were popular because that meant they had it all! If I were to date one of those guys it meant that I too was accepted because who I was originally got me bullied, talked about, and often left out. All the things that left me crying in class at times. Those guys were my ticket out of were I was. All I wanted was for one of them to say “hi” to me. That would have been enough.
Of course, knowing what I know now about life and how most, if not all, of those people that I envied in junior high school are not really who I thought they were, this all seems ridiculous and normal to an extent. But, those experiences did stick with me in a way that I never thought they would. When it comes to certain men, I don’t feel worthy. Crazy, right? I have created this image in my head of the men who are popular, attractive, sexy, and seems to have a lot of “girlfriends” as someone who is out of my league. In fact, when I am approached by men that seem to fit that mold, I shut down subconsciously. And in of that, it has left a trail of insecurities that I have within myself. Screwed up, huh? Again, all of this supports the original statement of what my ego craves is just their acceptance or nod of approval, not them (men).
I am not needy, obliviously insecure, low-self esteem, depressed, interdependent, desire to be accepted woman. In fact, I am quite comfortable in my skin and who is quite uncomfortable with recognition. That is partially because I don’t do nice things or anything at all to purposely get recognized. That is what contests are for and I don’t participate in those. I am lover of colors and fragrances and good food and laughter and friendship and family and exotic destinations and community service. I am not that person that I depicted earlier. I am more than what I know I am that I hope to never find out.
We all have our “thing” that we feel that makes us who we are. In fact, in church a couple of weeks ago, Chuck Mingo, one of our pastors at Crossroads, called these things “measuring sticks”. He described them as utensils that we use to measure ourselves amongst everyone else or judge others. If we are measuring up then must be doing okay and are not the latter. Or we would beat ourselves with our measuring sticks if were not measuring up and feel ashamed. And it wasn’t until that sermon where I realized, I do not feel worthy of anything. It is not because I feel that I have done so much wrong in the world that I am simply not loved, I just never felt worthy. This was earth shattering. And in my new world of crumbled earth, I sat and looked around this mess (myself) and started to think who am I if I always needed someone to tell me? And although I do not have all of the answers, I look forward to the journey to find out.
Whenever you find yourself seeking approval in anyway or beating yourself up for things that may have been outside of your control stop and think of why those things are so important to you. Is it because society says your nothing without it? Is it because you are afraid you will be looked at as a failure? Is it because you feel that you would not be recognized? Whatever the reason is, I guarantee you that the common denominator amongst all of those questions is that YOU NEED OTHER PEOPLE’S APPROVAL. Why is that? Why do we need anything from any human, who does not have it together themselves? Why do we get so fixated on the status quo or the “American Dream” when those ideologies are passed down from other people?
Who cares if you are not where you think you are suppose to be? Your friends? Your family? Or yourself? When dealing with the “self”, we have to be very careful. Because our “self” will tell us to never give up on our dreams and don’t settle for less. But whose dreams are you really giving up on, yours or someone else’s? If you grew up in a household, like I did, where you were told to follow the blueprint of the “American Dream” (i.e. get good grades, go to college, get a good job, make a lot of money, get married, have kids, have a household income of more that $200K…etc.) it is hard to decipher if your dreams are yours because they are so embedded in the structure of who you are that you don’t even know the difference. But I encourage you to allow your world to be crumbled. Take that hard look in the mirror and think about all the things you want and your personal measuring sticks and think of the origin of those things. If love and acceptance is what you seek, you already have it. It may not be from human, but it is already yours. You just have to accept it yourself. Then and only then, will life because less stressful and feels less like a race. Life will be as natural as breathing.
Listen to one of my favorite people talk about this subject in more detail.
