I'M ENGAGED!!!

If you are a believer…Imagine yourself, alone, in a room and the only person that is with you is God. There are no job titles, there are no bills, there is no ego, you just are. Now, place your hand directly in front of your face. In this room, that is exactly how close He is to you (fellas, you can think of God as a woman if you want. I’m sure that The Higher Power wouldn’t mind J). He sees through your soul, and He/She doesn’t see the mistakes that you have made, the flaws that you feel you have, or your own perceptions of yourself, He/She only sees you in absolute perfection. You look at Him/Her and you wonder how could He/She loves you so much?; how could He/ She ever see me more than what you see in yourself?; how could you  be beautiful?; or How could He/She ever just love you when you are so screwed up and made so many mistakes? And He/She says, “Because you’re perfect. You are mine. And anything that is of me I must love as I only wish to be loved and more”.  Together you merge into a great source of energy and movement. The light that the two of you create together is more beautiful than anything that man could create itself. You become a light for others that are made up of a myriad of colors and fragrances and you start to change things together. Your mission is the same, your love is the same, your prayer language is the same, and you are the same. You are Him and He is you. This is marriage.

I was motivated to share my own viewpoint of how I view marriage because it seems to be in the air. Two of my closest and dearest friends recently got engaged along with other friends of mine that are getting married this year and I thought about how beautiful marriage truly is. The depiction that I created above is exactly how I see it. No I have never been married and may not be qualified to speak on this subject but I realized that I do not have to be married to know who my God is, and God is love, and love manifests in marriage.

I wasn’t raised with a positive portrayal of marriage. In fact, the relationships that I have seen growing up were not particularly affectionate, loveful, no praying together, barely loving each other or the male seems to place his dominance over his partner. It seemed more like an arrangement than anything. Therefore, marriage was seen as a societal ritual with no real significance. Then, it became something that I started to resent. I started to resent this idea of marriage because I would see women give up who they are and everything ties into their husbands and if he didn’t like it, they didn’t like; if he didn’t want it, they didn’t want it; if he didn’t find a need for it, they didn’t find a need for it and marriage just became this overbearing and annoying idea that only meant that women would leave their lives to join a man’s (i.e. their husbands). And that was not something that I wanted for myself. But somewhere along the way, marriage started to change for me.

When I lost my son, I lost my faith, hope, and all reasons for even breathing. I could not believe that this “god” would allow me to have a perfectly happy and healthy pregnancy and beautiful baby boy only to take it away (I still struggle with that to this day). Everyday was gray for me and I remember literally always walking with my head low. Never cracked a smile and resistant to “god” at the time. After all, He was responsible for my pain. I felt that He used me and everything that I came to believe was a joke. If there was a “god” He most certainly is not who people say He is. Now, I do not feel that way anymore, but I was there for a long time. Then one day I prayed my prayer of anger and things started to change. I started smiling, laughing, and hanging out with my friends again. I found a life. A great life! Then came…Crossroads. When I thought I was in a safe place with life, not fully trusting God, but not too far away from Him either, the messages that I received from Crossroads totally spun me around. I saw God so differently than what I remembered before Shaun (my son) was even thought of. I found that fully accepting God in your life is HARD. He challenges you to rethink EVERYTHING that you thought about life, yourself, and other. AND IT NEVER ENDS. There is always this kneading and shaping of us that He is always doing. So one day, in service (I think), I felt that I was in a room, alone with Him, and I felt a presence that seems so close to my face that I could almost feel the breath on my skin. I broke down. I was in so much anger and happiness and I never felt anything like it in my life.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I’M HERE! ISNT THAT ENOUGH? You hurt me and now you are invading me with you and expect me to come running? You took away my child! You let me down! I don’t want you to surround me. I just want to do enough where I can just be okay.”

This is what was going through my head. And as I held back my tears and started to feel that knot in my throat I caved in and thought

“I need you and I don’t know why. I can’t fight this alone. God I’m in so much pain and nothing is working. Sometimes I pray and I feel that you are not there. And I know that I am so unworthy and so screwed up but I know I need you. I can’t do this fight here on this planet without you. I don’t know if I can truly trust you or if all of this is a lie, but I know what I feel when I call your name. I know what I feel when I am in my darkest moments, and I know that my son’s life was for no purpose. He meant too much to me for it to be. He has shown me true love and has proven that something greater beyond understanding and comprehension must exist. So I submit to you. Have your way.”

If you ever remember a time where you are so upset and angry and someone is trying to hug you and you are trying to push them away but their grip is too strong and you finally give in, that is how I described that moment, in a room with only me and Him. From that point forward I have seen changes in me that never took place before. I seen the true colors of the world and seen people for who they are and not what they are. I have seen things in the eyes of God and to Him I am married to. And when He finally blesses me with a humanistic version of Him (no one will be as perfect) this process will repeat itself.

See, marriage is not merging of assets and liabilities, its not signing a piece of paper; it’s not a business arrangement. To me, it’s the same process that happens when someone decides to let God in. No the man or the wife is not that persons god, but the process of giving oneself to the other and submitting  to one another willingly is marriage as God submits to us! You don’t know what is going to happen on the journey of life together, you don’t know if that person is all who they claim to be, and you don’t know how things will turn out when certain situations arise, but you know that what you have is enough to walk through hell together; and you know that what you have is blessed and is a channel from God that will never go away and is only strengthened through Him.

God, my husband, will never want me to be deliberately unhappy, not have any friends, and not have a good time, not see the world, or anything like that. So why would that be acceptable by a human husband? He would want me to be successful, follow my dreams, and change the world if I wanted to, as long as He was apart of it and went on that journey with me. I realize that, you can still have fun and a life while being married at the same time. But in that macro scheme of things, marriage is the union of two people becoming one to fulfill God’s purpose. How could I marry someone whose individual purpose does not have God in it? Marriage is a relationship, not a platform where one places their dominance over the other. I will treat my husband as the “Head of the Household” because I will trust him and believe him. And if whom I choose to marry values me and God the same way I do, then he will see me as his “Head” also. So there is this involuntary equilibrium that forms naturally, I think.

My journey with God may not be what most couples go through or as dramatic, but it is still a journey. When you think of relationships that you have been through they are all a journey that has shaped and molded you in someway. If that relationship did not result in marriage, then maybe you were in the wrong shape. But I see it as something that is beyond beautiful and life changing. For those of us who have not gotten this far, I hope that you experience a journey that will alter your version of love so that you may have it the way God intended for it to be. But it starts with a journey with Him/Her  J.  Congrats Kim and Ryane!