IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!

Let me start off this blog by stating, no one takes FULL ownership or accountability for their actions and it’s starting to bug me. So I’m reading this article from Clutch, an online magazine, and I read this article called “Black Women Are Drinking the Kool-Aid”. Now before I go any further let me just say that my blog is not solely a platform for racial or political topics, male bashing, or any type of at-large Afrocentric discussions.

Anywho, the premise of this article suggested that there is a difference between the way black women love versus white women and how more black men are choosing to date white women because white women are perceived to be easier to love and have fewer standards than African American women. The article even mentions that there are beliefs out there that are targeted to African American women and discusses how white women are “winning”. What is that?! The writer states, “I was over on the site Madame Noire (Bossip’s sister site) the other day when I came across the article, White Women Are #Winning, Step Your Game Up, based on a similarly titled article published in UPTOWN Magazine, Love: Why White Women Are Winning. Both articles address black women’s perceived attitudes, unwillingness to cater to our men, declining value in the institution of marriage, hesitation to date interracially, and lack of expectation for finding a man—basically stating white women are our polar opposites and are therefore not unlucky in love as we are” (Victorian, 2011). Let me say that I did not know that love was a competition amongst the races. It doesn’t matter if your black, white, Hispanic, Asian, blue, yellow or green, I think, generally, if you are not pleasing your man or if there is no compatibility or connection then the relationship is not going to work, period. 

In most cases, black men don’t leave black women because white women are easier to get along with. And to be quite honest, if I were a white woman I would be offended by those who make such claims that suggests I am an easy going, low setting standards, put up with any type of b*ll s**t  kind of gal. Why do some black women think that white women don’t put up with the same things that we do? Men are men and most of their traits are universal. But anyway, back to the article. So, I’m reading this article and the wheels in my mind started turning and I was thinking of all of the things that people easily blame on opposite genders, the universe, other people instead of really evaluating their choices and decisions that has played a role in the circumstance that they endure. Read on, I’ll tell you what I mean.
For instance, If you were to sit with a group of women and listen to their conversation, what do you think one of the most popular questions or areas of discussion will come up?...WHY DO MEN CHEAT? Right? Yea, us women we love to try to figure men out (men if you are reading, we spend countless hours trying to figure out why you do some of the things that you do and why you just can do a little more of something else. Oh yea, we think we got you pegged to some degree). But I think that we are looking at this situation all wrong. A follow up question is WHY DO WOMEN LET MEN CHEAT? Now I am not talking about the woman that is being cheated on, although she may have a role in this too, I’m talking about the woman that makes the CHOICE to sleep with someone who is spoken for. There are several variations and opposite sides to consider, I’m sure, but I want to stick on this side for a second.

There are several reasons why men cheat or want to cheat and they are different depending on who you ask and the situation. And I acknowledge that sometimes when a man cheats that he may not even mention that he is in a relationship with someone else. But what if he does? See, what he does is demeans his relationship and make it seem worthless or a lost cause to justify his state of mind along with his planned action to use the woman as his next sexual conquest and some women who get caught up in this situation, never stop to consider if he is lying. And then we allow ourselves to think that there must be something really special that exists between the two or if his girl was not taking care of him, he would not have gone to you in the first place. There could be validity to both of those claims. But these are the same women who turn right around and say something that bashes men and ask that same question with their group of girlfriends, why do men cheat? And I say because you helped him. Men need a culprit. They don’t cheat on their own.  This brings me to my initial point that people do not take accountability for their actions. We are so quick to blame something or someone for our own actions and forget that there was a choice made. And if someone was in this type of situation and chose to have sex knowing what the situation is, then they are just as much to blame as the man is.

Another phrase that irritates me is “my life sucks”. I am guilty of saying this from time to time but it is really annoying to hear that come from people, including myself. Before I proceed with my thoughts in this area, I am aware that sometimes things happen that cannot be explained. It’s just the curve of nature, I guess. There are things that come from choices that are not expected nor deserved. But let’s talk about the things that people do have a hand in. As an Enrollment Advisor, the biggest reason that people choose  not to be proactive and work towards a degree is because they need a job; yet these are the same people that will tell me in the same breath  how hard it is for them to make ends meet, how they know a degree will give them more money and more opportunities, how they are miserable at their jobs and tired of living from paycheck to paycheck and how a degree is a benefit for them and their families but still won’t go to college. Really? Did you really just give a solution to your own problem?  But the part that bothers me is that these people are in this never ending rat race of low wages and never being fulfilled at what they do and still complain. These people are usually so consumed with not having a job, no money; don’t want to take out a loan or whatever that they can’t even hear the solution that they are giving themselves or the door right in front of them. These are EXCUSES that people have created for themselves and that can easily be factored out but what we say, “hang in there”, “things are going to get better”, “pray”, “have faith” or whatever…CRAP! We coddle these people that make these excuses and continue to lead them to believe that life is just giving you a hard time but we don’t empower them to CHANGE! Make a choice to get out of it. It’s not going to be easy, but do it (you can tell that my job can get to me sometimesJ)! No one is exempt from having hard times. And the results that comes from these hard times is not what gives meaning, the resilience and perseverance that people use to push through the hard time is what’s everlasting.

Everyone that is reading this blog, think about a situation that you have been in before or a situation that you are currently in and think about how you got into that situation and if it could have been prevented. Then I want you to focus on the feelings that it gives you. If the situation that you are thinking of really bothers you, then you are probably feeling anger, hate, resentment, disgust and other negative feelings that I may not have mentioned. Think about those feeling and what they are currently affecting. They could be affecting the time you spend with your loved ones, your inability to accept anything positive, you’re probably constantly thinking negatively about the issue surrounding your situation (i.e. marriage, debt, not having any money, not having any friends or whatever). And ultimately, this situation is not allowing you to fully live or just “be” as I mentioned before and is paralyzing you from being 100% genuine.
Cari Murphy, a successful life coach, says, “When we practice the art of taking deliberate positive action and we choose to take full responsibility for what we’re creating, we will have tapped into the authentic, expansive meaning of the word accountability” (Murphy, 2011). It is so easy to blame everything on everyone and to allow ourselves to believe that we are the victim. Yet, it is so much harder to look at the person in mirror and ask “What did you do?” When we allow ourselves to think that we are under attack in situations and nothing ever works out or there is no getting out of our situations, our mindset sees everything differently. From this mindset, we begin to believe that we are inadequate, purposeless, worthless, or don’t have any significance at all. And I’m sure from there it can spiral into other ideals that just keeps our energy level low. But, when we look in the mirror and admit that certain choices did not have to be made and acknowledge our hand in the situation that is one of the most freeing things that anyone can do. Because then you are no longer a victim; you are no longer a slave to a handed down mentality, but you are now in control.

And for the rest of us, let’s stop enabling people.  When we hear our friends or family members or co-workers complain about not having enough money, not being happy with their jobs, not being happy in their relationships, not being happy with themselves, or just not being are you challenging them to make a change? Or are you just saying modest words of encouragement? We have created so many perceptions that we coddle to, which keeps us as victims. I don’t believe that we are God’s puppets (and that is a whole new conversation in itself). We have choices that we make. And sure He knows that path that we are going to take and knows our true purpose, but we don’t. So making choices is a blessing, no matter how dumb they are, because He uses those choices that we make for us to learn valuable lessons and He instills things in us that will lead us to where He wants us to be and place us on the track of where He wants us to go. But as long as you are the victim and won’t meet him half way, you are going to have a long miserable life.
I will end this blog with this quote, “Those who take complete responsibility for their lives experience joy and control over their circumstances. They are able to make choices because they understand that they are responsible and accountable for their choices. Even if events are out of our control or go awry, we can, at the very least, determine how we will respond to the event. We can see an event as a disaster or we can use it as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to cherish our personal power, and to expand our spiritual wings” (Murphy, 2011).

http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/black-women-are-drinking-the-kool-aid/