What I'm feeling about Love

Love

It burns

It lingers

It’s soft

It’s ugly

It’s sweet

It’s beautiful

It’s complicated

It’s curious

It’s mysterious

It’s angry

It’s resilient

It’s bold

It’s quiet

It’s passionate

Its understanding

It’s modest

It’s furious

Its confused

It’s strong

It’s written in the stars

It’s sexy

It’s funny

It’s annoying

It’s intoxicating

It’s irritating

It’s emotional

It’s stupid

It’s orgasmic

It’s incomprehensible

It’s unreachable

It’s untouchable

It’s unmovable

It’s unshakable

It’s powerful

It’s bigger than life

It’s better than life

It makes you want to leave this life and just stay there

It’s infinite

It’s bright

It is a purple line in a grey sky

Its makes all existence crave its presence

It’s safe yet dangerous

It caresses me at night

Its touch melts my soul

It makes me wanna dance

It makes me want to praise God

It makes me want to bow to Buddha

It makes me pray to Allah

It makes me want to celebrate with the Jews

It surpasses all understanding of all love

It is love

It so strong it’s tangible

Your love can end all hate in the world

Because I see God in you

I see you as His creation

I see you as His purpose

I see you

I see you

I see you

I love you

I'm sorry

Hello my little Ticklers!

Before you burn me at the stake and decide to no longer visit my blog any more, I am going to use the line that most men use when they are caught doing something they have no business doing, "Please wait! Let me explain"! I have been busy this month with my baking more than anything. In fact, I now have my very own website domain! I know, pretty overwhelming right? And in the process of creating this wonder of the world, I realized that creating a website is tough and requires work. Then, I thought about how many recipes that I have to make to give my website some substance. In fact, if you don't believe me go to it. It's www.brownsugarmama.com. It also links to the separate blog that I have been working on as well. No, no, no, I'm not cheating on you. But I want my cake and eat it too! That was pretty sweet right?! Well I will begin expelling my many thoughts that I have stored away just for you, probably at the beginning of September. Until then, keep "tickling:!

So...

So, I am really starting to take the baking thing seriously. I don't know where it will lead, but I do know I do not want to own my own resturaunt. At least, I don't think so. But I need an Alias or a name for my....hobby. I like "Suga Momma". But it was suggested to me that it implies that everything that I will make is full of table sugar, which people are trying to stay away from now of days. Then I thought "Sweety Pie". But then, I thought about how that name would imply that I am making a bunch of pies. So what do you think, who ever you are?

It's Kind of a Personal Story

I’ll tell you something that is somewhat private about me. Sometimes when I am at the grocery store, mall, or any other public area and I pass a guy, one of the first things that comes to my mind is, “I wonder if he thinks I’m attractive?” Or, “I wonder if he would be interested in a girl like me?”  This happens when I am mostly, paying attention to my surroundings.  I have to be honest, I ABSOLUTLEY HATE THAT ABOUT MY PERSONALITY. I loathe and resent the fact that apart of me craves attention from some men. Who am I to think that I am that “fine” that any man that takes one look at me should automatically stop what they are doing and approach me?  Now, some of you are thinking, “Nicole, there is nothing wrong with being confident and thinking you can have any man that you want”. Right? Wrong! In fact, it has nothing to do with the guy.  Even if I am not attracted to that person, I still feel that I should have their attention.

Here is the root cause of the desire to be idolized. When I was in junior high school, I was the tall, skinny, big booby girl that was not granted the luxury to have tags such as Tommy Hilfiger, Reebok Classics, Jordan’s, Sean John apparel,  FUBU, or any type of clothing that made you “cool”. My clothes came from Wal-Mart, a second hand store, or hand-me-downs. I did not get my hair done often and the sides of my hair was thin so I would often get called names that eluded to my thin sides (kids are cruel). I wasn’t one of the girls who had all the labels, the fancy hair do’s, or name brand shoes. I had what I had. I remember envying those girls. They were the ones that sat at the “cool table” in the lunch room and had all the varsity athletes at their locker after class and school. They always seemed so happy and, most importantly, acknowledged, recognized, and admired. Things that I never was at that age to others and I was so thirsty for that inclusion. Now, before you go and start feeling sorry for me, don’t. I still had friends, pretty descent memories of my junior high days; I even had a couple of boyfriends.  But the boyfriends I had were not athletes, or looked at as being cool in my class. Heck, they were considered “lame” themselves. I wanted the boys that were popular because that meant they had it all! If I were to date one of those guys it meant that I too was accepted because who I was originally got me bullied, talked about, and often left out. All the things that left me crying in class at times. Those guys were my ticket out of were I was.  All I wanted was for one of them to say “hi” to me. That would have been enough.

Of course, knowing what I know now about life and how most, if not all, of those people that I envied in junior high school are not really who I thought they were, this all seems ridiculous and normal to an extent. But, those experiences did stick with me in a way that I never thought they would. When it comes to certain men, I don’t feel worthy. Crazy, right? I have created this image in my head of the men who are popular, attractive, sexy, and seems to have a lot of “girlfriends” as someone who is out of my league. In fact, when I am approached by men that seem to fit that mold, I shut down subconsciously. And in of that, it has left a trail of insecurities that I have within myself. Screwed up, huh? Again, all of this supports the original statement of what my ego craves is just their acceptance or nod of approval, not them (men).

I am not needy, obliviously insecure, low-self esteem, depressed, interdependent, desire to be accepted woman. In fact, I am quite comfortable in my skin and who is quite uncomfortable with recognition. That is partially because I don’t do nice things or anything at all to purposely get recognized. That is what contests are for and I don’t participate in those. I am lover of colors and fragrances and good food and laughter and friendship and family and exotic destinations and community service. I am not that person that I depicted earlier. I am more than what I know I am that I hope to never find out.

We all have our “thing” that we feel that makes us who we are. In fact, in church a couple of weeks ago, Chuck Mingo, one of our pastors at Crossroads, called these things “measuring sticks”. He described them as utensils that we use to measure ourselves amongst everyone else or judge others. If we are measuring up then must be doing okay and are not the latter. Or we would beat ourselves with our measuring sticks if were not measuring up and feel ashamed.  And it wasn’t until that sermon where I realized, I do not feel worthy of anything. It is not because I feel that I have done so much wrong in the world that I am simply not loved, I just never felt worthy. This was earth shattering.  And in my new world of crumbled earth, I sat and looked around this mess (myself) and started to think who am I if I always needed someone to tell me? And although I do not have all of the answers, I look forward to the journey to find out. 

Whenever you find yourself seeking approval in anyway or beating yourself up for things that may have been outside of your control stop and think of why those things are so important to you. Is it because society says your nothing without it? Is it because you are afraid you will be looked at as a failure? Is it because you feel that you would not be recognized? Whatever the reason is, I guarantee you that the common denominator amongst all of those questions is that YOU NEED OTHER PEOPLE’S APPROVAL. Why is that? Why do we need anything from any human, who does not have it together themselves? Why do we get so fixated on the status quo or the “American Dream” when those ideologies are passed down from other people?

 Who cares if you are not where you think you are suppose to be? Your friends? Your family? Or yourself?  When dealing with the “self”, we have to be very careful. Because our “self” will tell us to never give up on our dreams and don’t settle for less. But whose dreams are you really giving up on, yours or someone else’s? If you grew up in a household, like I did, where you were told to follow the blueprint of the “American Dream” (i.e. get good grades, go to college, get a good job, make a lot of money, get married, have kids, have a household income of more that $200K…etc.) it is hard to decipher if your dreams are yours because they are so embedded in the structure of who you are that you don’t even know the difference. But I encourage you to allow your world to be crumbled. Take that hard look in the mirror and think about all the things you want and your personal measuring sticks and think of the origin of those things. If love and acceptance is what you seek, you already have it. It may not be from human, but it is already yours. You just have to accept it yourself. Then and only then, will life because less stressful and feels less like a race. Life will be as natural as breathing.

Listen to one of my favorite people talk about this subject in more detail.

What About Your Friends?

This is for my friends...

Th

What the Hell is it?!

What the Hell is it?!

Most of you have already heard that there is no such place as hell, according to Rob Bell, and I must say that his theology regarding his hypothesis is very interesting, to say the least. Now, before I am deemed as a heretic and escorted to my death of being stoned, burned to death, or hung, let me just say that I do not adopt his mentality wholeheartedly. I agree some of his thoughts, but have not thought of a conclusion about his thesis. For those of you, who have not heard of this New Age way of looking at heaven and hell, watch this short clip.

If you are anything like me, your mind is racing with questions, thoughts, ideas, and even your own conclusions about this topic. The purpose of this blog is to have a dialogue with you about your thoughts. I think that it is perfectly healthy to explore and have conversation about these things in order to understand God and the bigger picture. But let me also say, that we will never understand God. This is an infinite, supernatural, and majestic being that our human minds does not have the capacity to begin to understand the true essence of God. We are chained to our egos, constantly judging others in order to validate who we are as beings, constantly judging others, use politics as our gospel, use drugs and sex as our religion, and the American Dream has been embedded in us since we have come out of our mother’s womb. The media is our mother and the ego is our father. Instead of helping the homeless person on the street, or the drugged out mother, or the girl in the club wearing a short skirt and have her boobs hanging out, we criticize and judge these people instead of humbling ourselves enough and acknowledge that they are a part of God’s plan just like you. And because we are not in those unfortunate situations, we are better?  So how can we see beyond the destruction of the world and the contradictions of good and evil, or even God’s grace when we are all broken?

The validity of heaven and hell, God and The Devil, God’s existence and science, good and evil, have been ongoing conversations for centuries. In fact, the idea of something creating itself and us, the birds, the trees, knows all things, among other things is enough for someone to think that a god does not exist. This is because our minds are not capable of understanding it and we never will. In fact, in I Corinthian 2:14 it states, “It is difficult for natural man to believe in something that he cannot see, touch or feel”. So, God is already aware that most of us will never believe or accept Him. He is the greatest mystery and the mystery about Him can be seen in life situations as well. For instance, think about someone you have been in love with. It does not have to be someone of the opposite sex. It can be a child, a parent, or whoever. Think about the true love that exists between you and that other person. Now, think about why you love them. You might say, they are kind, sweet, gentle, loving, cute, etc. But that is not why you love them. Those are liked qualities about them that you have recognized. The true reason as to why you love the person that you are thinking of is a mystery. Think about how many times it has been difficult for you to put in words the feeling of love, or the feeling of having a child, or the feeling of loving your parents. You don’t know why there is a connection there or keeps the two of you bound together, but you know that it is love. God is love.

I know that this is a lot and it may not make sense to a lot of you, but what He does want us to do is seek Him with an open heart and mind. That is difficult for most people to do. Because when our minds are made up about something, there is no other possibility to go against that case because life experiences has taught us to believe what we believe, which has ultimately, created a mindset that you see everything through. For instance, if a woman believes that all men are dogs, there is little that you can do to change her mind by talking to her. The only thing that changes someone’s mind about something is…..EXPERIENCE. I am not going to explain my personal theories on the existence of God. Because I have come to know Him through my own personal experiences that I have been through. Me trying to convince someone to believe God is like me convincing someone who does not want to have children, to have children. I know what that joy is like because I experienced it.  I want this blog to be an open discussion about Rob Bell’s theory or any other topics circulating this matter. But last few words, I encourage you to never try to define, make sense, or create a definition as to why you love someone. Love has not limitations and it does not make sense. Don’t place it in a box, explore it, find it, seek it, and, hopefully, you will see God.  

*Not grammatically correct. I am aware. 

Hello my little Ticklers!

Beauty Pressure

This is a good commericial by Dove. Watch it!

Damn Girl Your Fine!

So, I woke up one morning and proceeded with my morning regimen: go to the restroom, put my shower cap on, take my shower, watch Chakra (my dog) lick my feet, dry off, wash my face, brush my teeth, sit on my balancing ball in my walk in closet and stare at my clothes trying to determine what to wear for the day while rubbing Jergens Cherry-Almond lotion on my arms, pick out my clothes, put them on, yell at Charka for bothering Baby (my other dog), and  yadda yadda yadda. Except on this very morning that I am referring to, I had such a disgusting thought that even typing it out makes me angry, I stared at myself in the mirror, gut hanging, cottage cheese thighs showing, dark spots on my face exposed, uneven and some dirty fingernails, flabby arms hanging, my neck is unusually darker than the rest of my body (happened with the baby), one ankle fatter than the other (I have lymphedema in my left ankle. No its nothing bad), toe nail polish half chipped away, facial hair trying to break through, dimples in areas that I didn’t know existed, stretchmark’s the size of railroad tracks and as I am noticing more flaws on my body than positive traits on my own personality, I thought, “What man would ever want this”? AM I LOSING MY MIND OR WHAT?!! I acted as if the reflection in the mirror was someone else and took great offense to to what they were showing me. “Who does she think she is?” I thought. But as I settled back down to my normal self, the one typing this blog, I realized that there is some truth in what my reflection was communicating to me.

The other day, I started “Googling”  women who we all define as beautiful such as Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez,  Zoe Saldana, Natalie Portman, Sophia Vergara, Selita Ebanks, and several others and remembered that reflection that I saw in the mirror and became somewhat disgusted with myself again. And again, I snapped out if it and thought that those women are all lies that most women have adopted as the standard of beauty. But the one most mind boggling idea that drove me nuts is that we conform to these ideas and place them on ourselves to please a man or try to catch a man. Think about it. If you feel that you are not skinny enough, your stomach is not flat enough, your ass is too big (mine isn’t big enough), your hips are too flabby, your skin is to blotchy, your hair is too thin and not long enough, or whatever, where does that standard of beauty come from? Where in this life did we apply a manmade thought of beauty as our identity? Watch this clip from one of my favorite movies, Eat, Pray, Love. She sums it up very well.

I am a single woman. I have been single for almost a year now. And there is a problem when I start dressing up to go to the grocery store because “the one”, which I don’t even know if I believe in, may be there. Or I have to always be groomed to perfection because I never know who I might run into. And the crazy thing is, MOST MEN DON’T EVEN GIVE A CRAP. They don’t care what they look like or are wearing. They don't even care what we look like underneath our clothes as long as they are getting what is underneath our clothes. So why do we ,women, apply the pressure to ourselves? I have a friend who never goes anywhere without wearing earrings and lipstick. Why? I use to know a woman who would wear earrings and do her hair before she goes the gym. Really? And I knew another person who had to have matching workout outfits and also be physically well presented before taking a run. For what?  They do all of these things, sure to look good for themselves, but also because they never knew what man they were going to meet. Think about the tortuous beauty rituals that we put ourselves through because "we might meet our husbands”, which I am guilty of stating. But I think that women have become so desensitized to this Eurocentric ideal of beauty and have become so entrenched that we are unable to be genuine with ourselves and others. 

In the very first blog that I wrote, my main message spoke to how perceptions of how we think things are suppose to be or our perceptions of others gets in the way of seeing that person and things for who and what they really are. Our image of beauty is no exception. We have all had our lists of physical characteristics that we look for in a mate. I know I have. Now think about where those preferences came from. No matter where they've come from, that relationship is already less than genuine because you can't see past your own personal standards or idealistic views of beauty. And perception of beauty individually also disallows you to see the true beauty that God has created in you (I really need to follow my own advice). If you are a believer, imagine if God had His own standards that He'd abide by and if you did not automatically meet those standards, then you were automatically dismissed. Don't get me wrong I know that there are some do's and don'ts that God shapes us by but it doesn't mean that you have to already be there to earn his love and acceptance. That is why He grants us grace and mercy. If your image of God is this "matter of fact", cut throat, do these steps so that I can accept you type of supernatural being, then that relationship is not genuine. So friends, wipe away the perceptions and try to see the person as God's creation. You just might find beauty in it. Not how flat your stomach is, how much you weigh, how clear your skin is, how flabby your arms are, or anything else in your physical appearance determines your beauty, but who you are, definitely "Tickles My Fancy". 

Green Tea "Matcha" Cupcakes

So, for those of you that don't know I really enjoy cooking and baking. It is not something I can do everyday but I do find fulfillment in baking and cooking new things. I have quite a few dinner parties where I invite some of my "gal pals" over and cook for them or I take things to work just because. Well I came across green tea cupcakes and became immediately curious. So, I looked up a recipe to bake them myself and I must say...they were AAAMMMMAAAAZZZIIING! I wanted to share my wealth of knowledge with all of you so I posted the recipe and some pictures of the process along the way for those who like visual effects when cooking something new to make sure that you are doing it right, like myself. Enjoy! 


Ingredients

• 24 cupcake papers or 1/2 sheet pan / 350 degree oven
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 cups sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 2 large egg yolks
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup milk
• 2 tablespoons matcha tea

Process

1. Beat unsalted butter until soft, for about 30 seconds.

2. Add sugar and beat until butter and sugar are well blended and fluffy, about 3 minutes. 

3. Add eggs and egg yolks one at a time and beat for 30 seconds each. 

3. Whisk flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl and add batter to mix well. 

TIP: Whisking helps prevents large clumps from forming in your batter. 

4. Mix Matcha with milk (I use soy milk) and combine.

Fact: Matcha is a finely-milled and ground green tea, which is most popular in Japan. Matcha is used for making green tea ice cream and other green tea inspired recipes. 

Tip: You can buy a bag of Matcha this size from Jungle Jim's. You can also add it to smoothies. It is very high in protein. 

Tip: How I make my cupcakes and cakes so moist is that I beat them very well until all lumps are out of the matter. 

6. Now scoop batter into a prepared cupcake pan with papers already in tact. 

7. Bake for about 20-22 minutes or until cake tester comes out clean. 

Tip: Another practice I use to make sure that my cakes and cookies are moist is never cook them to the maximum time that is suggested unless the good is not completely finished. For instance, I hardly ever let my cookies bake completely through. I don't know the science behind it, but they are still cooked thoroughly. 

8. Once the cupcakes are finished. Let cool and ice as necessary. 

Tip: For icing, I use a sandwich bag and place my icing in the bag. At the tip of the bag, cut open a small hole to allow the icing to be squeezed through. This cause less mess. You can use this method if you do not have a professional decorative icing bag. 

Place the sandwich bag inside of a cup to avoid access mess. 

I added green food coloring to go with recipe. There is a Matcha butter cream icing recipe to go along with this recipe if you would like to use that instead ( I will next time. I was tired). 

The icing will come out of the end of bag as you squeeze. You can also make designs if you wish. 

There you have it folks! Green Tea cupcakes!

These treats definitely Tickle My Fancy.

Enjoy!!

For a printed version of the recipe, go to:

http://www.matchasource.com/matcha-cupcakes-s/41.htm

Soulmates. True or False.

Is there a such thing as soulmates or "the one"? Or is it something that society has allowed us to fantasize about in the form of movies and love songs? Is love more simple than what we think and could it be possible that "the one" is who you make it?

I'M ENGAGED!!!

If you are a believer…Imagine yourself, alone, in a room and the only person that is with you is God. There are no job titles, there are no bills, there is no ego, you just are. Now, place your hand directly in front of your face. In this room, that is exactly how close He is to you (fellas, you can think of God as a woman if you want. I’m sure that The Higher Power wouldn’t mind J). He sees through your soul, and He/She doesn’t see the mistakes that you have made, the flaws that you feel you have, or your own perceptions of yourself, He/She only sees you in absolute perfection. You look at Him/Her and you wonder how could He/She loves you so much?; how could He/ She ever see me more than what you see in yourself?; how could you  be beautiful?; or How could He/She ever just love you when you are so screwed up and made so many mistakes? And He/She says, “Because you’re perfect. You are mine. And anything that is of me I must love as I only wish to be loved and more”.  Together you merge into a great source of energy and movement. The light that the two of you create together is more beautiful than anything that man could create itself. You become a light for others that are made up of a myriad of colors and fragrances and you start to change things together. Your mission is the same, your love is the same, your prayer language is the same, and you are the same. You are Him and He is you. This is marriage.

I was motivated to share my own viewpoint of how I view marriage because it seems to be in the air. Two of my closest and dearest friends recently got engaged along with other friends of mine that are getting married this year and I thought about how beautiful marriage truly is. The depiction that I created above is exactly how I see it. No I have never been married and may not be qualified to speak on this subject but I realized that I do not have to be married to know who my God is, and God is love, and love manifests in marriage.

I wasn’t raised with a positive portrayal of marriage. In fact, the relationships that I have seen growing up were not particularly affectionate, loveful, no praying together, barely loving each other or the male seems to place his dominance over his partner. It seemed more like an arrangement than anything. Therefore, marriage was seen as a societal ritual with no real significance. Then, it became something that I started to resent. I started to resent this idea of marriage because I would see women give up who they are and everything ties into their husbands and if he didn’t like it, they didn’t like; if he didn’t want it, they didn’t want it; if he didn’t find a need for it, they didn’t find a need for it and marriage just became this overbearing and annoying idea that only meant that women would leave their lives to join a man’s (i.e. their husbands). And that was not something that I wanted for myself. But somewhere along the way, marriage started to change for me.

When I lost my son, I lost my faith, hope, and all reasons for even breathing. I could not believe that this “god” would allow me to have a perfectly happy and healthy pregnancy and beautiful baby boy only to take it away (I still struggle with that to this day). Everyday was gray for me and I remember literally always walking with my head low. Never cracked a smile and resistant to “god” at the time. After all, He was responsible for my pain. I felt that He used me and everything that I came to believe was a joke. If there was a “god” He most certainly is not who people say He is. Now, I do not feel that way anymore, but I was there for a long time. Then one day I prayed my prayer of anger and things started to change. I started smiling, laughing, and hanging out with my friends again. I found a life. A great life! Then came…Crossroads. When I thought I was in a safe place with life, not fully trusting God, but not too far away from Him either, the messages that I received from Crossroads totally spun me around. I saw God so differently than what I remembered before Shaun (my son) was even thought of. I found that fully accepting God in your life is HARD. He challenges you to rethink EVERYTHING that you thought about life, yourself, and other. AND IT NEVER ENDS. There is always this kneading and shaping of us that He is always doing. So one day, in service (I think), I felt that I was in a room, alone with Him, and I felt a presence that seems so close to my face that I could almost feel the breath on my skin. I broke down. I was in so much anger and happiness and I never felt anything like it in my life.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I’M HERE! ISNT THAT ENOUGH? You hurt me and now you are invading me with you and expect me to come running? You took away my child! You let me down! I don’t want you to surround me. I just want to do enough where I can just be okay.”

This is what was going through my head. And as I held back my tears and started to feel that knot in my throat I caved in and thought

“I need you and I don’t know why. I can’t fight this alone. God I’m in so much pain and nothing is working. Sometimes I pray and I feel that you are not there. And I know that I am so unworthy and so screwed up but I know I need you. I can’t do this fight here on this planet without you. I don’t know if I can truly trust you or if all of this is a lie, but I know what I feel when I call your name. I know what I feel when I am in my darkest moments, and I know that my son’s life was for no purpose. He meant too much to me for it to be. He has shown me true love and has proven that something greater beyond understanding and comprehension must exist. So I submit to you. Have your way.”

If you ever remember a time where you are so upset and angry and someone is trying to hug you and you are trying to push them away but their grip is too strong and you finally give in, that is how I described that moment, in a room with only me and Him. From that point forward I have seen changes in me that never took place before. I seen the true colors of the world and seen people for who they are and not what they are. I have seen things in the eyes of God and to Him I am married to. And when He finally blesses me with a humanistic version of Him (no one will be as perfect) this process will repeat itself.

See, marriage is not merging of assets and liabilities, its not signing a piece of paper; it’s not a business arrangement. To me, it’s the same process that happens when someone decides to let God in. No the man or the wife is not that persons god, but the process of giving oneself to the other and submitting  to one another willingly is marriage as God submits to us! You don’t know what is going to happen on the journey of life together, you don’t know if that person is all who they claim to be, and you don’t know how things will turn out when certain situations arise, but you know that what you have is enough to walk through hell together; and you know that what you have is blessed and is a channel from God that will never go away and is only strengthened through Him.

God, my husband, will never want me to be deliberately unhappy, not have any friends, and not have a good time, not see the world, or anything like that. So why would that be acceptable by a human husband? He would want me to be successful, follow my dreams, and change the world if I wanted to, as long as He was apart of it and went on that journey with me. I realize that, you can still have fun and a life while being married at the same time. But in that macro scheme of things, marriage is the union of two people becoming one to fulfill God’s purpose. How could I marry someone whose individual purpose does not have God in it? Marriage is a relationship, not a platform where one places their dominance over the other. I will treat my husband as the “Head of the Household” because I will trust him and believe him. And if whom I choose to marry values me and God the same way I do, then he will see me as his “Head” also. So there is this involuntary equilibrium that forms naturally, I think.

My journey with God may not be what most couples go through or as dramatic, but it is still a journey. When you think of relationships that you have been through they are all a journey that has shaped and molded you in someway. If that relationship did not result in marriage, then maybe you were in the wrong shape. But I see it as something that is beyond beautiful and life changing. For those of us who have not gotten this far, I hope that you experience a journey that will alter your version of love so that you may have it the way God intended for it to be. But it starts with a journey with Him/Her  J.  Congrats Kim and Ryane!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!

Let me start off this blog by stating, no one takes FULL ownership or accountability for their actions and it’s starting to bug me. So I’m reading this article from Clutch, an online magazine, and I read this article called “Black Women Are Drinking the Kool-Aid”. Now before I go any further let me just say that my blog is not solely a platform for racial or political topics, male bashing, or any type of at-large Afrocentric discussions.

Anywho, the premise of this article suggested that there is a difference between the way black women love versus white women and how more black men are choosing to date white women because white women are perceived to be easier to love and have fewer standards than African American women. The article even mentions that there are beliefs out there that are targeted to African American women and discusses how white women are “winning”. What is that?! The writer states, “I was over on the site Madame Noire (Bossip’s sister site) the other day when I came across the article, White Women Are #Winning, Step Your Game Up, based on a similarly titled article published in UPTOWN Magazine, Love: Why White Women Are Winning. Both articles address black women’s perceived attitudes, unwillingness to cater to our men, declining value in the institution of marriage, hesitation to date interracially, and lack of expectation for finding a man—basically stating white women are our polar opposites and are therefore not unlucky in love as we are” (Victorian, 2011). Let me say that I did not know that love was a competition amongst the races. It doesn’t matter if your black, white, Hispanic, Asian, blue, yellow or green, I think, generally, if you are not pleasing your man or if there is no compatibility or connection then the relationship is not going to work, period. 

In most cases, black men don’t leave black women because white women are easier to get along with. And to be quite honest, if I were a white woman I would be offended by those who make such claims that suggests I am an easy going, low setting standards, put up with any type of b*ll s**t  kind of gal. Why do some black women think that white women don’t put up with the same things that we do? Men are men and most of their traits are universal. But anyway, back to the article. So, I’m reading this article and the wheels in my mind started turning and I was thinking of all of the things that people easily blame on opposite genders, the universe, other people instead of really evaluating their choices and decisions that has played a role in the circumstance that they endure. Read on, I’ll tell you what I mean.
For instance, If you were to sit with a group of women and listen to their conversation, what do you think one of the most popular questions or areas of discussion will come up?...WHY DO MEN CHEAT? Right? Yea, us women we love to try to figure men out (men if you are reading, we spend countless hours trying to figure out why you do some of the things that you do and why you just can do a little more of something else. Oh yea, we think we got you pegged to some degree). But I think that we are looking at this situation all wrong. A follow up question is WHY DO WOMEN LET MEN CHEAT? Now I am not talking about the woman that is being cheated on, although she may have a role in this too, I’m talking about the woman that makes the CHOICE to sleep with someone who is spoken for. There are several variations and opposite sides to consider, I’m sure, but I want to stick on this side for a second.

There are several reasons why men cheat or want to cheat and they are different depending on who you ask and the situation. And I acknowledge that sometimes when a man cheats that he may not even mention that he is in a relationship with someone else. But what if he does? See, what he does is demeans his relationship and make it seem worthless or a lost cause to justify his state of mind along with his planned action to use the woman as his next sexual conquest and some women who get caught up in this situation, never stop to consider if he is lying. And then we allow ourselves to think that there must be something really special that exists between the two or if his girl was not taking care of him, he would not have gone to you in the first place. There could be validity to both of those claims. But these are the same women who turn right around and say something that bashes men and ask that same question with their group of girlfriends, why do men cheat? And I say because you helped him. Men need a culprit. They don’t cheat on their own.  This brings me to my initial point that people do not take accountability for their actions. We are so quick to blame something or someone for our own actions and forget that there was a choice made. And if someone was in this type of situation and chose to have sex knowing what the situation is, then they are just as much to blame as the man is.

Another phrase that irritates me is “my life sucks”. I am guilty of saying this from time to time but it is really annoying to hear that come from people, including myself. Before I proceed with my thoughts in this area, I am aware that sometimes things happen that cannot be explained. It’s just the curve of nature, I guess. There are things that come from choices that are not expected nor deserved. But let’s talk about the things that people do have a hand in. As an Enrollment Advisor, the biggest reason that people choose  not to be proactive and work towards a degree is because they need a job; yet these are the same people that will tell me in the same breath  how hard it is for them to make ends meet, how they know a degree will give them more money and more opportunities, how they are miserable at their jobs and tired of living from paycheck to paycheck and how a degree is a benefit for them and their families but still won’t go to college. Really? Did you really just give a solution to your own problem?  But the part that bothers me is that these people are in this never ending rat race of low wages and never being fulfilled at what they do and still complain. These people are usually so consumed with not having a job, no money; don’t want to take out a loan or whatever that they can’t even hear the solution that they are giving themselves or the door right in front of them. These are EXCUSES that people have created for themselves and that can easily be factored out but what we say, “hang in there”, “things are going to get better”, “pray”, “have faith” or whatever…CRAP! We coddle these people that make these excuses and continue to lead them to believe that life is just giving you a hard time but we don’t empower them to CHANGE! Make a choice to get out of it. It’s not going to be easy, but do it (you can tell that my job can get to me sometimesJ)! No one is exempt from having hard times. And the results that comes from these hard times is not what gives meaning, the resilience and perseverance that people use to push through the hard time is what’s everlasting.

Everyone that is reading this blog, think about a situation that you have been in before or a situation that you are currently in and think about how you got into that situation and if it could have been prevented. Then I want you to focus on the feelings that it gives you. If the situation that you are thinking of really bothers you, then you are probably feeling anger, hate, resentment, disgust and other negative feelings that I may not have mentioned. Think about those feeling and what they are currently affecting. They could be affecting the time you spend with your loved ones, your inability to accept anything positive, you’re probably constantly thinking negatively about the issue surrounding your situation (i.e. marriage, debt, not having any money, not having any friends or whatever). And ultimately, this situation is not allowing you to fully live or just “be” as I mentioned before and is paralyzing you from being 100% genuine.
Cari Murphy, a successful life coach, says, “When we practice the art of taking deliberate positive action and we choose to take full responsibility for what we’re creating, we will have tapped into the authentic, expansive meaning of the word accountability” (Murphy, 2011). It is so easy to blame everything on everyone and to allow ourselves to believe that we are the victim. Yet, it is so much harder to look at the person in mirror and ask “What did you do?” When we allow ourselves to think that we are under attack in situations and nothing ever works out or there is no getting out of our situations, our mindset sees everything differently. From this mindset, we begin to believe that we are inadequate, purposeless, worthless, or don’t have any significance at all. And I’m sure from there it can spiral into other ideals that just keeps our energy level low. But, when we look in the mirror and admit that certain choices did not have to be made and acknowledge our hand in the situation that is one of the most freeing things that anyone can do. Because then you are no longer a victim; you are no longer a slave to a handed down mentality, but you are now in control.

And for the rest of us, let’s stop enabling people.  When we hear our friends or family members or co-workers complain about not having enough money, not being happy with their jobs, not being happy in their relationships, not being happy with themselves, or just not being are you challenging them to make a change? Or are you just saying modest words of encouragement? We have created so many perceptions that we coddle to, which keeps us as victims. I don’t believe that we are God’s puppets (and that is a whole new conversation in itself). We have choices that we make. And sure He knows that path that we are going to take and knows our true purpose, but we don’t. So making choices is a blessing, no matter how dumb they are, because He uses those choices that we make for us to learn valuable lessons and He instills things in us that will lead us to where He wants us to be and place us on the track of where He wants us to go. But as long as you are the victim and won’t meet him half way, you are going to have a long miserable life.
I will end this blog with this quote, “Those who take complete responsibility for their lives experience joy and control over their circumstances. They are able to make choices because they understand that they are responsible and accountable for their choices. Even if events are out of our control or go awry, we can, at the very least, determine how we will respond to the event. We can see an event as a disaster or we can use it as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to cherish our personal power, and to expand our spiritual wings” (Murphy, 2011).

http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/black-women-are-drinking-the-kool-aid/

Random Me

Check out my new video blog. It is so random. You'll love it. I dont know why my words are running behind. Sorry about that.

Random Me

South Africa Still Tickles

My trip to South Africa last year was something that I will never forget. I can still remember the smell of its nature, the smiles on the faces of the children, the beautiful majestic scenery, and the movement of  a higher spirit that was sovereign and beautiful. I cannot come up with the words or phrases to truly describe my experience. Therefore, I created a video blog that I hope can give insight to what I truly witnessed. South Africa definitley "Tickles My Fancy".